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cadorine 50, Female, New York, USA - 5 entries

Jul 2011
5:13 AM CST

Looking for a way out of the Rut

I'm going to get over this hump no matter what. I'm going to find a way to get tougher, stronger and thinner, even if it kills me. This morning, after a whole night of worrying about it, I got up at 5:15 and tackled a 5K. My time left something to be desired -- a measely 10:40, but I did it and proved to myself that I could do it. It was even a new route. I broke out of my old pattern of running around Lakeshore Drive and headed out onto 22 and Wilmont Road. I promise myself that I'm going to tackle this route again -- maybe tomorrow?

It has been two weeks since I started training with Paul. I've given up Dr. Alejandro's clean diet and have moved onto Run Like a Mother. Just hope I can find my groove, break 135, and find some balance.

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Racquelc6 47, Female, New York, USA - 28 entries

Jul 2011
10:01 PM

Somy mother in law came to see Josias after about a year of not having seen him. She brought Kiro with her. He's so big now...and handsome. I missed him. I don't know if its that he was shy but he seemed different, a little distant. My MIL tells me he has an imaginary friend....cute.

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jroberts1941 81, Male, Kentucky, USA - 50 entries

Jul 2011
7:33 PM

trauma fight flight freeze

July 3 Trauma When we are traumatized, we have one or more of the following responses: (1) fight (aggression), (2) flight (physically or psychologically leaving), or (3) freeze (becoming numb). Any of these responses preclude the normal working through of a situation by experiencing and confronting it, assessing options and making choices. When life experiences are not "lived through," they are stored in an unfinished state, absent of adequate closure. It is as if they are stored in suspension without the context that accompanies normal experience. When events are stored by the brain in this manner, they become part of our storehouse of "unfinished business." They form what comes to be the root of a hunger that cries out for action or completion. Today if I see myself acting out impulsively, I will ask myself what wound is trying to be heard and seen. Rather than continue to act out, I will quiet down and listen. In the rooms daily meditation I am willing to know. God gives, but man must open his hand. German proverb

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1 comment(s) - 11:42 AM - 08/06/2011

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martytx07 37, Male, Texas, USA - 53 entries

Jul 2011
5:57 AM EST

Another 6 months later...

It never fails...I get the weekly e-mails and what not and I can't seem to take 10 minutes away to write in here. I actually think writing on here once in a while is pretty healthy. Like I said before....well I think I said it before, it's pretty cool to go back and see what you wrote and just see what was going on during that little time frame. Like to go back to some of my first posts where I was still in the closet and afraid of being who I am but now, I'm just proud to be who and I am and everyone I know is accepting of it. Well anyways, yesterday, my cousin (also gay) and her girlfriend came over. They freaking came knocking at the door at 3:30 in the morning and I was like WTF! It actually got me a little upset that they were knocking so much cause my brother was asleep and he had to be at work at 6 in the morning so thought it was a little rude and uncalled for. They could have called my aunts phone or something to let us know that they were here but whatever. Anyways, well aside from that, we had BBQ yesterday and had a couple a drinks...my head actually hurts a little :( but I'll be arlight. It's freaking almost 6AM and I don't know why I woke up. I'm debating on whether I should go back to sleep or get my butt ready to go to the gym. I'm trying to work out more. I freaking gained some weight...well it's sort of hard to say how much because my weight goes back and forth. The smallest I've been is 202 lbs since I've lost weight but I have climbed back up to 220 :( But good thing is I got back �on the scale yesterday and weighed 218 so I'm dropping again. Told you me weight jumps all around. But hey, a big drop down from the fat 315 I was in the beginning so I'm still happy about that big lost of course. Oh, well anyways, freaking last night I was texting a friend, more like a F buddy...I know, I know, so not cute to say I have an F buddy. Anyways, well I was texting him and started getting depressed like cause we chit chat all the time and stuff and we talked about hanging out but we never do. It's sort of like I want more from him but he can't cause he's on the downlow and it's just frustrating. So I started crying and stuff. Haven't had a good cry in a long time so it was a good thing I guess. It's healthy to cry once in a while right? But anyways, yeah, I feel as though I don't want to be just a fuck anymore. Like I want something better. I feel as though I have a great personality and a great heart but it's sort of getting to that point where I'm wondering when am I going to find someone who I can call my own. I'm sure the day will come sometime but it just hasn't happened and it sucks. I have no one to blame but myself because I keep talking to these guys who are on the downlow or not out and of course they're not going to choose me over letting their friends and family know so yeah. Well anyways, enough of all this...I think I'm gonna make my decision to lay down and go back to sleep and go work out later :) Back to sleep! Work at 1....

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jroberts1941 81, Male, Kentucky, USA - 50 entries

Jul 2011
8:08 AM

trauma fight flight freeze

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keonyama96 31, Female, Kansas, USA - 191 entries

Jul 2011
8:00 PM

I missed my best friend and he called me 2day :)

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jroberts1941 81, Male, Kentucky, USA - 50 entries

Jul 2011
9:02 AM

trauma fight flight freeze

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girl002 32, Male, Canada - 23 entries

Jul 2011
5:03 AM AST

Fast As You Can - Fiona Apple

I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby runfree yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can

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Ranilyn 30, Female, Canada - 26 entries

Jun 2011
2:10 AM MST

It never occured to me...I never noticed...

As I've mentioned in my previous entry, I am extremely, extremely tired right now - I'm almost sleep typing or whatever it is, but i wanted to type this out - even if its briefly.

So the main reason that I am currently sleep deprived is because I spent most of last night talking to Janette on the phone - quite a bit about Kenny of all things.

Seriously, it was quite an astounding epiphany. If you had just suggested a week ago, that I would actually start to consider him perhaps not quite just a friend, I would've laughed it off and denied anything of the sort. We were just friends. That's exactly what I said to Tracey at the reunion, but by fourth time......it got me thinking...just a little. Then with the phone call with Janette...I started to notice that he was actually a really nice guy! And friendly, and attentive, and fun to hang out with. And I started to notice little gestures.

I was also extremely surprised to see how oblivious I was. I know that when I like somebody, then I really gave it my all and liked someone, but I didn't realize how much of my memories revolved around them until Janette brought it up. Gaahhh!

And somehow...I totally forgot...that Kenny might've liked me back in Grade 6. It was almost like NEWS to me. Like the memory of me and Janette patrolling and the whole Justin yelling "Kenny likes Joyce" thing. I actually remember that happening, but I completely forgot it was Kenny, but I'm pretty sure it was...

Anyway, there's a whole lot more whirling around my head but I really REALLY need to sleep. Janette's got me thinking with a fresh new view of things. On one hand, I'm worried to think about this too much - I don't want to be making things out of nothing and being disappointed. On the other hand, this could be (LOL to quote Janette...) the start of something new, and something...nice?

But the two big questions that keeps coming back...It's really got me wondering....Does he still like me? Or is it like with Jonathan, and my chance has passed, and maybe I've changed too much. Argh, now I really want to know!

And the last one...Do I like him? Should I like him? I really don't know to that one, and I can feel myself being really hesistant. I think I'm just a little scared at letting myself like someone again...and I'm a little worried that it'll be like last time where I make a person out to be more than he is.

Well, it's like one in the morning and my room feels warm and stuffy. I'm gonna to open a window and head to bed. Oh, but I'm just gonna take a quick look at msn...is he taking summer school? I'll go on for just 5 minutes...

So much for a short entry.

Tags: crush, Kenny, unexpected

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KittykatMegan 50, Female, United Kingdom - 4 entries

Jun 2011
11:08 AM GMT

Babeez!!

Around three days ago Dave (Step-dad) found a Hedgehog down the open drain, so he got it out and called my mum and told her about it, �and she said to see how it goes and take him to the Vets the next day......��So�he took the Hedgehog to the Vets and the Vet said to keep it for a couple of weeks soo we have a new Pet � � � � � � � lol aaaww!!!!!

� � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � His name is: � �

� ��
� � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � TITCH! sweetie Pieee!!! <3�

Tags: Titchy Hyder ( his real name is Titchy Fry but lol )

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